ROSES & THORNS - HUBBY'S TAKE

ROSES & THORNS – HUBBY’S TAKE

My life as a bachelor was not very meticulous simply because it was focused mainly on me, myself and I. Every choice and decision that I made was focused on how the expected outcomes would benefit me. I did not have to worry about making decisions for two people and I wasn’t much affected with the oneness that comes from being in a close relationship. I actually considered myself to be a strong person emotionally and I never thought anyone had the ability to affect my emotions based on their own emotions. This was informed mainly by the fact that I was solely responsible for the “stability” of my own emotional well being. This is a thought pattern that I held onto strongly for several years as a single young man.

When I met Christine Muna and we started dating, I knew in my heart that I had found the love of my life. I had no doubt in my heart that she was the one I intended to spend my whole life with. Our dating and courtship was adventurous and hilarious. It was exciting as it was fulfilling even as we grew closer to each other. The whole principle of two becoming one was becoming a reality to me as the days went by.

Anyone one who has been in a serious relationship will confirm that as you grow together you tend to get linked in almost all ways including emotionally. God in His own wisdom, intention and purposes chose to create men and women in a totally different way as far as emotional intensity is concerned. While both men and women are emotional beings the reality is that more often we tend to have different ways of expressing our emotions. These differences have the potential to bring tumult into a relationship if not handled with wisdom.

As I grew closer to Christine, I started to engage with her emotionally at all levels. I realized that despite the fact that I considered myself strong emotionally the saying “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” was becoming a reality to me. I discovered that I was actually getting more and more affected by her emotions in that if she wasn’t happy I would also find myself unhappy. Normally, I preferred always having a “happy” life. I was the kind of person who would even ignore a crisis just to ensure that the happenings of the day were exciting. This was a trait that I brought into our relationship and it was a huge struggle for me. The big question for me was how to link with Christine emotionally and still manage to be myself and not pretend that all was well when it wasn’t well at all. How could I maintain a peaceful atmosphere within for the sake of both of us in the midst of a storm without losing it? And if I was to break down and cry while comforting and holding her, who then would hold me in return? And therein lay the thorn within me, the emotional struggle and the pretense.

I have discovered after almost five years of knowing Christine that it’s the woman who sets the mood in a relationship, and in the house for those who are married. If she’s happy there’s a high chance that the man will also be happy, if she’s feeling down there’s a high chance that the man will follow suit. As I said earlier this could be a potential trouble spot for a relationship if not handled properly. Some men have bailed out of great relationships with great women just because the said men were unable to handle the emotional dynamics of their women. The excuses given by such men are that their women have got “so many issues” which they cannot handle. Now if all men were to think in this way then the human race would be extinct by now because marriages as we know them would have ceased to exist. The Bible clearly states that “if you don’t want trouble, then don’t get married.” This is indicative in itself that marriage is not for boys and girls but for mature men and women. I believe that it is given to every man by God the innate ability to take care of his wife emotionally, if only we realize it and are willing to grow this God given ability.

I realized that I had to grow beyond myself in order to be able to satisfactorily handle Christine’s emotions. I discovered that I was petty in trying to pretend that all was well in the midst of a storm. It was evident that it was simplistic of me to ignore Christine’s emotions and continue as though nothing was happening. I HAD TO CHANGE. 

I allowed God to start a growth process in me which in itself wasn’t very easy. This required total dedication on my part because if I really wanted to effectively take care of my wife emotionally then I had to step up and withstand the process of growth. This is a lifelong process since life happens and no one can predict what tomorrow holds. I however thank God that despite the fact that I’m not there yet, I’m definitely not where I was when I first started. I have actually experienced a tremendous amount of growth which has seen Christine and I grow together in our marriage which keeps getting sweeter by the day.

I can confirm that the thorn is now blunter and its sting and consequences are no longer grave. Emotions are an extremely powerful part of us which we cannot ignore. They constitute a normal part of us as human beings but the great news is that they can be controlled and handled properly.

Both Christine and I are now emotionally more mature and the good part is that we are now more emotionally open and vulnerable to each other which has been instrumental in making our love for each other greater. 

My angelic Christine Muna Mwangi, I love you more and more each day.

ROSES & THORNS

ROSES AND THORNS- PART 1

By Washington and Christine Mwangi

Ever heard of the saying whoever loves the roses must be ready to endure the thorns? A rose that has thorns cannot poke / hurt you when you are far. In order for it to hurt you, you must have attempted to touch it, you must have attempted to pluck it, you must have been very close to it.

Just like a rose, we all have a side of our personalities that is good and beautiful and another side that is not so pleasant and that can hurt others and ourselves. So, how do two imperfect people hope to have a happy healthy relationship?

 Wifey’s take

There is nothing that exposes our weaknesses like a close relationship. I remember how on our second date, I left the house having dressed up and ensuring that I looked like the beautiful flower I wanted to be. You know how we do girls! I had changed my outfit several times and had planned the day before what accessories would be perfect for the date…and shoes…I am a shoe person. I had to have the right shoes!

When I met up with Washington, he was looking great…his casual jeans and…oh, wait, what was that on his shirt? Have you ever hang your shirt without pegs on the hanging line? Have you ever seen that large zigzag crease that forms after the cloth dries and is blown by the wind into one side all bunched up at the end of the line? Really I couldn’t take my eyes off that crease throughout the whole date. I couldn’t believe how much this irked me….and I thought I was such a deep sister! Don’t look at the outside, look at character…I tried to remind myself of all that I thought I stood for as a Christian. Unfortunately, all I could think about was how in God’s name he would put such little effort in impressing me with his clothes! Up to that point, I genuinely did not think I was such a petty person. Now I know J. I cannot remember this day without laughing. 

It is a reminder to me that my husband is a mirror that God uses to show me both my good and bad sides. I used to think I was a perfect rose, beautiful and without blemish….but alas, after being in a relationship for 4 years…I learnt that I am a beautiful rose with (many)thorns and thank God Washington still loves me. Now in marriage I have all types of opportunities to be PETTY…however…since I know it’s a thorn, I counter it practically using God’s word. We will share more about it after Hubby’s take.

True love makes us better people

Ladies, it is a humbling thing to accept to be loved; to allow a person to correct you, to allow God to expose your thorns through your spouse/fiancé/boyfriend. This is a side of love that some of us do not want to experience. Most of us want to be pursued and we place these high standards. If he wants me, he had better do… 1,2,3. He had better step up his game and be…1,2,3. You can bring out that list ladies and fill in those blanks, because we all have expectations, and particularly for us ladies, we set our standards high so we can test the man’s resolve to pursue us and settle down with us. This is great and we must do this to safeguard ourselves from marrying what we call fokojembes (losers). However, don’t forget to work on yourself so that you can also meet his standards. Men’s expectations can be SO different from ours and sometimes we behave as if it is only our perspectives and expectations that matter in a relationship. 

Seek God’s help

Rest assured, the closer you become in a relationship, the more your personality will be exposed, both the good and bad sides. Personality issues are deeply embedded in us and sometimes mere will power is not enough to change a habit that has been entrenched into our minds and attitudes. Humble yourself before God and ask Him to help you with those aspects of your personality that would threaten your marriage…because they are there.

Humble yourself

 Sometimes, we are always quick to blame our partners for the arguments and unhappiness in our relationships. This does not always solve the problem. Learn to apologize when you are wrong, regardless of what you may believe, you are not always right. You are a rose and you have thorns. Resist the urge to hide behind the excuse that this is how you are and you cannot change. You can change and we will discuss a very practical remedy that God gives in his word that will help you to do this. Do your part and ask your partner to do his. Resist the urge to say that you will only change if your partner changes. I am not saying that you should not hold your partner responsible for handling his thorns, I am just saying that you can aspire to be a better person simply because you want to be.

Proverbs 31:30

Always remember, you are accountable to God first for your thoughts and actions towards your spouse/fiancé/boyfriend. 

Coming Soon: The Hubby's Take

HIS Story Part 3 -Don't be the other man, be the REAL man

The Delusion & Deception of being the other man

About a year or so ago, an advert was placed in different spots in the city of Nairobi by a young man who said he was a “toy boy” who was in need of a sugar mummy. The advert which became a hot topic in the social media conveyed an open message that the young man would offer sexual services to the willing sugar mummy in return for financial favors. This was to be a straight business transaction with no strings attached. The desperation of this young man could be deciphered in the advert placed in the form of posters on street lamps, walls of buildings and bridge pillars. This issue brought to the fore the willingness by some men to be used as “side dishes” or “toy boys” in return for financial stability. 

While I’m still trying to grasp how one would be proud to be called a “toy boy” or a “side dish,” it is evident that there are some men who are willing to throw away any form of dignity left in them for the sake of sexual adventure just for the sake of it or offering sexual services in return for money. There are some men who are willing to be the other man in a relationship. These men advertise themselves as stallions & studs with the ability to satisfy the needs of women whether young or old, married or not. It is worth noting that the other man comes in different forms, they may be single or married, young or old.

While a lot has been said about the other woman, very little has been said about the other man yet there are some men who wear this title with a lot of arrogance and very little dignity. While the world tends to exalt sexual immorality and infidelity, there are some fundamental truths that the world does not tell us about being the other man in a relationship. 

However, there are some truths that we need to look at as it regards being the other man in a relationship.

It is cheap and of less value

 The other man is as cheap as the woman he is engaging in an illicit relationship with. If a woman is willing to cheat on her husband with you and you are party to the arrangement, then understand that you are of the same mind and stature. Both of you are suffering from esteem and self worth issues. Both of you are of little or no dignity and you are agreeing on following the short path to destruction. Note that two cannot walk unless they agree and when two are joined together sexually they become one, and the problem with this kind of arrangement is that you are becoming one in cheapness. Two cheap people cannot create a pricey and valuable union. Let the cheating woman keep to herself and do not join yourself with her lest you lower yourself to her level. Be deaf to the words of the seductress who is willing to lure you into her bedroom by telling you that stolen love is sweet. Get yourself some spine, dress yourself with dignity and place some value on yourself and resist any form of sexual temptation.

 It swallows your identity

Whoever joins himself with a prostitute becomes one with her. Being the other man in a relationship brings you to a point of sharing your identity with the cheating woman. Whether you like it or not, you can never escape this reality. If you want to maintain your identity as a “stud” or a “stallion” then save yourself for your wife. As a man you are meant to delight in the wife of your youth and desist from embracing the bosoms of other men’s wives. Your sexual prowess that you boast about should be reserved for your wife, do not share your sexual passions with any other woman who is not your wife lest you also be a prostitute through laying with a prostitute. He is not justified calling anyone a prostitute he who lays with a prostitute because they are one. The masculinity of a man is not based on how many women he sleeps with but on the commitment he has for that one woman, the wife of his youth. You have within you the wherewithal to build within yourself an identity based on integrity, strong value systems and respect for yourself.

It sets you up for serious consequences

The world glorifies sexual sin and infidelity is the order of the day. Young men engaged in no strings attached sexual relationships with other men’s wives are rewarded well financially. What the world doesn’t teach us is that beyond the screensaver of sexual adventure and financial gain lies a painful sting of death. Sin has consequences and sexual sin has got its own consequences. When you are far spent and your body is in agony and pain as a result of engaging in sexual sin, the reality of the matter is the world will not be there to console and comfort you for fighting the good fight and running the good race of being the other man. You will have to carry your cross alone. We have witnessed some men being killed by enraged husbands after it was discovered that they were having an affair with their wives and the Bible also alludes to this fact in Proverbs 6:34, For the woman's jealous husband will be furious, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. Do not be deceived, you reap what you sow and this is a reality that you cannot escape. If you ruin other people’s marriages then be assured that if you don’t stop your behavior your own intimate relationship will be ruined by somebody else.

It will ruin and definitely bring you down

History has proved to us that sexual sin has the ability to tear down kingdoms and nations. Lustful leaders have ended up losing the grip of their kingdoms and many illustrious careers have been brought down in an instant because of sexual sin. If you don’t believe it then you can do a quick study on the fall of  Dominique Strauss Kahn whose career as the IMF boss was cut short because of engaging in an illicit sexual relationship. Whether the affair was consensual or not is not the issue, the issue is that sexual sin was committed and that was the cause of his downfall. I do not have enough time to mention the downfall of Samson because of Delilah, the disgrace of David because of Bathsheba and his son Solomon who lost the grip of his own God given kingdom because of sexual lust. 

Do not subscribe to the lie that you’ll engage in riotous sexual behavior as a “toy boy” or a “stud” and expect to get away scot free because something has to give. Either you change your ways or you’ll witness the destruction of all that you’ve ever worked for in your life. You’ll watch as the world caves in on you and witness as everyone who cheered you on in your riotousness scatters leaving you exposed and ashamed.

Having said all that, the good news is that no one is beyond redemption. If you are living your life as the other man in a relationship, you have the choice to STOP IT. Real men pick up the fragments of their lives, square their shoulders, choose a new path of righteousness and dignity and start anew. That is a choice that you can make if you want to be respected by men and to be honored by God. The choice is in your hands.

By: Washington Mwangi

HIS Story Part 2 - You Mighty Man of Valor...

YOU MIGHTY MAN OF VALOR

The world that we live in has got its own definition of what it means to be a man. It is true that men are defined more by what they have than by who they are. Our position in the society and our possessions are what give us our identity as men. A successful man in the modern day age is defined by the influence and the affluence that he possesses. Men must be in charge of the world, they must not shed tears when hurt, and they should not get in touch with their emotions after all emotions are unnecessary as far as being a man is concerned. A man is expected to always have it together regardless of the situation, it doesn’t matter whether the world is burning or the country is crumbling, it’s your duty as a man to stay calm and emotionless even as you carry the burden of the world on your shoulders.

From an early age boys are taught not to cry when spanked by their teachers, we are told that being rough and unkempt is what constitutes being a real man, we are discouraged by our fathers from bonding with our mothers just in case we become more kitchen savvy than world savvy. In primary school, our identity and respect is proven by how many fights we get involved in and how many of those fights we win. Woe unto you if you lose a fight in front of hundreds of spectators in the football pitch during break time because your life in school will be made unbearable by fellow students who will keep on reminding you of how much of a “girl” you are just because you lost a fight.

We are told that it’s a man’s world and this can be seen across almost all spheres of life. When you look at the world’s richest billionaires, the majority are men. The majority of the world’s heads of state and government are men, the majority of the initiators of the world’s worst massacres and genocides are men, the world’s most notorious war lords and guerilla leaders are men, the majority of land grabbers in the society are also men, we don’t see many women blowing themselves up as terrorists and we haven’t witnessed many of them participating in the gladiator fights so far. It is worth noting that even in the so called testosterone sports; the world tends to celebrate men more than women. By the way, did you know that there’s an English Premier League for women? Yes, there’s an Arsenal, Manchester United and a Chelsea team for women. The same reason would be given for these teams lack of popularity in the world as compared to their male counterparts.

The dominance of men in the various spheres of life is not because all men are responsible citizens of the society, but it is to some extent as a result of many men looking for an identity in this competitive world. The quest for recognition and respect has driven many men to try and acquire wealth and power through non conventional means in order to rub shoulders with the high and mighty, after all that’s what’s expected of real men in this world.

The Bible however has a different definition of what it means to be a dominant, successful, established man. Such a man is known as the mighty man of valor.

 The question therefore begs, what then constitutes the identity of a mighty man of valor?

·         Recognize that you are not always in charge

One of the greatest myths about being a man is the lie that you are always in charge. The feeling of having to be in charge and in control of situations has driven many men into fighting unnecessary battles that they are not meant to be fighting in the first place. It is good to recognize the place of God in our lives because whether we like it or not there we will come across situations that will be beyond our control. When God had handed over Israel into the hands of the Midianites because of their disobedience, there was little that Gideon as a person could do as a person. We therefore see Gideon threshing wheat at the bottom of the winepress because he was afraid of the midianites. The situation was clearly in God’s hands for He’s the one who had allowed the Israelites to be oppressed by the Midianites in the first place. This then calls for all men to recognize that there’s a place for God in our lives and that we will not always be in control of situations. Knowing this will save us the pain of fighting battles that are not ours just because we want to prove a point. Recognize that it is okay to be afraid, it is okay to hide when necessary and it is okay to humble yourself before God and follow his guidance.

·         Draw your strength from God

“Boys are not made up of metal” These are the words of one of my friends way back in Primary school. He was reacting to a situation whereby we were being told that real boys don’t cry when in pain. The reality of the matter is that from time to time we will grow weary and tired because of the storms and the complications of life. The big question therefore is where do you draw your strength from? Many men have taken to draw their strength from very temporary sources. Some people want to feel powerful by dominating and being violent against their wives, some hit the gym not because they want to keep fit but because they want to feel powerful, some embrace some sexist and chauvinistic ideas in order to feel dominant, some will resort to airing their opinions anyhow, anywhere and everywhere so that they can be heard. In my humble opinion any man who spends his time and effort calling a breakfast show in a local fm station in order to bash women is dealing with serious insecurities mainly because he’s looking for affirmation and strength in the wrong place.

As men, we need to draw our strength from God just as Gideon did. The strength of the lord is what will enable us conquer what we were unable to conquer before. This is the strength that will help us do what we thought was impossible and to believe in the unbelievable. It is this strength that helped Gideon save the Israelites even after arguing with God about his own personal fears, doubts and insecurities. 

·         Deal conclusively with the past

All of us have a history that might be significant to our lives today. Our past beliefs, family life, associations and relationships are instrumental in shaping our today. What you are today is basically a sum total of your past beliefs, decisions, associations and relationships. Likewise our value system today is what will determine the quality and value of our future lives. Gideon was instructed by God to pull down the altars of his father to Baal. He was further instructed by God to put up a new altar to God. Gideon obeyed God and did as instructed. But then Gideon was still afraid of the consequences of his actions and so he had to do this at night. Fearful or not, Gideon had to get it done. When a man decides to be transformed of God in order to live a valuable life, there are some things from his past that have to be dealt with practically and conclusively. If this means deleting some numbers off your phone book, deleting your facebook account, burning your pornographic material or even moving houses in order to be transformed then do it. It is good to know that there’s a heavy price to pay for your transformation. You might be isolated by friends and family and as a result you should be prepared to take a long and lonely journey to transformation all by yourself.

Dealing with the past is just half of the equation; the other half involves setting up new value systems for you as a man. The new value systems need to be stronger and more solid than your past value system and as such hard work and radical warfare is needed. So put on the full armor of God, get in the ring and knock the devil off. It is not easy but it is definitely worth it.

·         Look for confidantes & associates, not fans

There are many men today who pride themselves in having many fans. The more fans one has the more valuable they are perceived to be. However what every mighty man of valor needs is a small group of confidantes and valuable associates who will help him win the war. Your fans on the other hand will cheer you on when you are doing well but when it comes down to the basics, where the rubber meets the road, they will leave you on your own and cross over to support someone else who is doing better than you.

A time comes in your life when you have to tell people “whoever is timid or afraid should leave and go home” and watch as all the cowards scatter. Ask God to sort out who will go with you and who will not. This will enable you have by your side only valuable warriors who will help you win the war. You don’t need the whole world in order to win for it’s not about the quantity of warriors but the quality of the warriors that you have. There are many people who will come into your life and leave when there’s a call to war, don’t stop them from leaving because they are not tied to this part of your journey to your destiny. From the days of old till now, nothing big was ever accomplished through many people; it always started with one man and spilled over to a few like-minded people with the same mission.

Therefore look at the quality of your associations and relationships and be careful who you allow into your inner circle.

In conclusion, being a real man is not made up of the conventional attributes as defined to us by the world. It is instead made up of the attributes as defined by God himself. As a man you need to take time and ask God to bless you and make you the man that he intends for you to be, A MIGHTY MAN OF VALOR.

By: Washington Mwangi

Inspired by Judges Chapter 6 and 7

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HIS Story-Part 2. You Mighty man of valour

Just what constitutes a mighty man of valour?.........

Keep it here. Coming soon.